"when all your desires are distilled; you will cast just two votes: to love more, and be happy" -hafiz

Monthly Archives: October 2013

Last night after dinner Poqueta was trying to curl up in my lap to keep warm. Since I don’t have a lap to speak of right now, she perched on top of my belly instead. It was super cute. My mom took this picture:

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I’m pretty sure Pokey is the reason I’m not going totally crazy right now. Man I love her. I am just spoiling her with love and affection, knowing that I won’t be able to give her as much of it after the baby comes. I need to appreciate these last days of her as my only “child.” She definitely knows something is up, as she has been more attached than ever to me, following me around constantly, and spending a lot of time near my belly.


38 weeks

38 weeks! Again, not much visible growth, but I am definitely feeling bigger than ever. My back and pelvis are aching like whoa.


Haven’t posted the 38 weeks picture (I like to post at the end of each week. Ok it wasn’t really intentional. I mostly just forget to do it until I’m almost at the beginning of the next week and realize oh shit I need to do a picture before this week of pregnancy is gone forever. Ah, procrastination. Story of my life.) but I’ll get on that later tonight or tomorrow. Wanted to share some pictures with you in the meantime though:

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Some of the onesies from the shower! My craft project was a big success, if I may say so myself. Rather than having a million boring white onesies, each one is now a special work of art that will remind me of my family and friends. I washed them and there were a few casualties – appliques that weren’t ironed on very well – but nothing more ironing and a little sewing couldn’t fix.

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New to the nursery: A glider from my aunt!! I LOVE IT! So comfy and looks perfect in the room. Unfortunately I don’t have a glider ottoman to match, but I’m making a cover for a little non-gliding ottoman we have that will work just fine.

Also new is the rocker for our moses basket, which is actually a weird story. I was at a baby consignment shop in Mt. Airy with my girl Kari and her daughter, and the basket rocker caught my eye. We had been planning to put our basket on a piano bench and attach it with bungee cords which sounds like the biggest safety hazard and eyesore ever. Also, piano benches don’t rock. It was a bad plan. This rocker looked awesome, so after looking up some online and deciding the consignment price of $25 was a good deal, I scooped it up. I tried to put it in my car but it didn’t fit so I quickly ran down the street with it above my head towards Kari’s Subaru to throw it in her trunk. That’s when this guy yells out to me “Hey, you bought our rocker!!! Cool!!” so I turned around and said guy goes, “Woah, Carly?” and I said “Julius!!!” — it was my friend and old co-worker who I hadn’t seen in 4 years! I knew he had had a little 18 month old from Facebook, hence retiring the rocker. HIs apartment happens to be right above the consignment shop so I went up and met his little boy and we caught up. Good times.

Let’s see, what else is up? Oh, I bought Feez a special gift for his birthday! It was a little pricey so shh, don’t tell Hus šŸ™‚ See, before I was born my mom bought me this stuffed dog named Mr. Boodles. There is actually a picture of Mr. Boodles in the nursery:

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Me and Mr. Boodles on the right, my sister Amanda and Oatie on the left. My sister was the funniest looking baby ever. Adorable too of course, but look at those skinny legs. They haven’t changed either. See? Image

Aw, Manda. Meanwhile I’ll forever be the shorter and, um, thicker? one.

Anyway, Mr. Boodles was my #1 possession throughout childhood and I think it’s because I literally had him since birth. I loved him so much. We were never apart. Unfortunately, I have no idea where he is today because he got lost in the abyss of our neighbor’s house when I was in elementary school and I still get teary-eyed thinking about his disappearance. I’m still convinced that my childhood enemy Sean stole Mr. Boodles because he knew how much I loved him. šŸ˜¦ RIP Mr. Boodles.

My mom still doesn’t remember how Mr. Boodles got his awesome name. Clearly I couldn’t have named him since I was a little baby. We suspect it was my Aunt Becky since she always thinks of crazy names for things, i.e. she always calls Hus “Detective Cous Cous.”

I decided I wanted to give my son a stuffed animal dog too. So I ordered this:

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Love. He’ll come in the mail soon. His official name (he is a blabla doll by the way, I guess they are kind of a big deal aka pricey) is Licorice but I think I’ll ask Aunt Becky if she has any better ideas. Or maybe I’ll recycle the name Mr. Boodles.

Right now I am rolling and bouncing around on an exercise ball, listening to my labor playlist to make sure the songs are all calming enough, and trying to visualize Feez getting into a better position. That little rascal had been in an ideal posish (“What’s your fav posish?” Tenacious D 4 life!) for the entire 3rd trimester… until now. He has decided to be posterior-ish and seems to like it there. At least I think he’s still posterior. To be honest the more I feel my belly the more confused I become. I need to stop trying to figure out what is where, though it’s hard to avoid temptation when I’m constantly getting jabs and pokes in new places. It kinda feels like his butt is in the top center right now, hmm or slightly left. I’m actually feeling less kicks so perhaps he has moved anterior again? Blah I don’t know. I shouldn’t analyze. I should just let him do this thing. Back labor apparently sucks but I’ll have nothing to compare it to and childbirth is always painful, so whatever. I’m going to my favorite prenatal yoga class in 30 minutes which will hopefully get him down a bit. We do so many lunges and goddess poses and squats and pelvic, it’s awesome.

The only upside of these anxiety-producing, seemingly never-ending final days/weeks of pregnancy is that I have thrown myself more than ever into the illustrations for my book. Not sure if I mentioned here that I wrote a children’s book about my friend Emily’s life (see her organization’s website and watch the video about here here: Emily’s Entourage) to educate children about Cystic Fibrosis, the genetic disease that Emily has.Ā Image

Those are a few of the drawings. They are iPhone pictures of the drawings so not great quality, but you get the idea. I’ve done about 7 others and have 14 more to go. So I’m about halfway there! I actually need to move faster because Emily wants me to publicize the book at this big event she’s doing on DECEMBER 7th!! Eek. The book doesn’t necessarily need to be 100% done by that date, but we at least want a mock-up of the cover and a few pages for people to preview and hopefully pre-order. Let’s hope Feez likes Ā sleeping next to me while I draw…

Okay. Off to my yoga class. I’ve been stress eating chocolate chips and peanut butter all day so I feel a little ok a lot blah. Hopefully yoga can balance this ish out.

xoxoxo


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Here is my 37 weeks pic. Terribly exciting, I know. I look the same. I feel the same, more or less. I wish I DIDN’T feel the same because then I could be all ooh labor is imminent but there is literally nothing to report on that front. Tomorrow I’ll be 38 weeks.

Something that is bothering me is the fact that I can’t figure out what position the baby is in. For the past 2 months I’ve always been able to figure it out, as his butt has always clearly been on my right or my left (always head down) with kicks on the opposite side, up under my ribs. Now I actually have no idea what’s going on. I don’t really feel his butt on either side, which makes me think he’s sunny side up, but I don’t really feel limbs either – except for kicks on top and sometimes random octopus-style off to the side. I’m pushing him around right now and he is pushing back, yet I have no idea what’s going on. Maybe my anterior placenta is sabotaging me yet again? I know I should just give it a rest, let him be, and trust that he’ll be in a good place for labor (especially since I have religiously been doing all the recommended exercises from Bradley and Spinning Babies for positioning. Even if they don’t work, at least I’ll know I tried.)

In general I think I just need to have more trust in my body. It’s weird because I’ve totally been able to do that throughout almost this entire pregnancy. I’ve worried very little about how he’s doing, especially after the first trimester. I have actually been continuously humbled by the fact that my body is WAY smarter than me and is better off when I don’t try to interfere or control it. My body and my baby know what’s up. I don’t. And I need to accept that. If he doesn’t want to come until 42 weeks (omg that makes my skin itch) then there’s probably good reason for it. No amount of pineapple I eat or sex that I have will change when he’s coming out.

My favorite thing to do right now is to just sit in the nursery. It’s pretty unconventional: no theme, no color scheme, no crib. We actually bought zero furniture, aside from the Ikea mattress we are using as a floor bed. We’re vaguely following Montessori guidelines for a nursery, though we have a bit too much color going on to be true Montessori. The fact is we just used what we had, loved or were gifted and it ended up looking the way it does. It’s not going to be in a magazine or anything, but I find it really peaceful and practical. Hanging out there makes me feel calm.

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Random assortment of carpets that we bought in San Miguel de Allende, mexico from a guy who makes them by hand (the green one is my mom’s though)/beautiful prints in the corner by artist Nikki McClure

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Our Montessori floor bed with clashing quilts, both handmade by family members (blue one by my aunt, pastel one by my grandma), black and white mobile/fishing tapestry that Husein’s brother brought us from Zanzibar, Africa which is where their family is from

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Changing area/pine cone art made by me/ugly trash can that will be gone once we get into the swing of cloth diapering

Anyway, I’m off to distract myself as effectively as possible. Much love!


Here are pictures from my 36th week of pregnancy. On Thursday Feez will be considered full term!

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I don’t think I look any bigger, but my belly has dropped even lower and I’m feeling it for sure. I didn’t think my bladder could get even more crushed but it somehow is. Nesting instinct is in full swing. I was up at 5:30AM today doing laundry, ripping tags off of baby clothes and hanging pictures in the nursery. I actually have a lot of energy throughout the day, mostly fueled by the anxiety of “omg the baby could be here real soon.” And then I realize heĀ couldĀ be here soon,Ā orĀ I could be pregnant for another 5 weeks. A terrifying thought.

I see my midwife on Friday and hopefully she’ll have some insight into when this boy will appear.

Sunday was our baby shower and it couldn’t have been more awesome. 99% of the important people in my life were there (Manda was missing, as she lives in Germany) and everyone seemed very relaxed aka they weren’t forced into awkward games. I did force most guests to participate in my onesie making activity but I think people enjoyed it and now Feez has some HELLA CUTE handmade onesies to sport. And by sport I mean to spit up/poop on of course.

Braxton Hicks are now coming on constantly. I haven’t timed them but it seems like every 5-10 minutes at night, more spread apart during the day. They aren’t uncomfortable at all, just funny feeling. I am already humbled by my uterus’s strength.

My hospital suitcase is more or less packed. Our car seat came in the mail today. I think this whole thing might really happen.

Sleep is getting trickier so I should go work on that as it’s past my bedtime.

Love!!


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I like how I’m actually 36 weeks today but just now posting this picture. I’ve had a hard time keeping up with things this week as our house has been in a state of semi-chaos. Hus decided to renovate the downstairs bathroom, which ended up being a bigger job than anticipated, so my uncle flew in from Missouri to help him. So while Hus was busy doing that, he delegated a bunch of tasks related to our business to me: filling out zoning applications, getting documents notarized, mailing tons of stuff.

I spent some quality time in the nursery, too. I used extra fabric from the curtains to make a cover for the changing pad (I made my own changing pad to put on top of an antique dresser we already had that is perfect height for baby-changing), washed and organized all the clothes we have so far (way disproportional amount of newborn and size 0-3 months stuff) as well as the two used baby carriers I have. Well actually I have three used baby carriers and a new one. Why do I absurdly have four ways to baby wear already? Well I received the Bjorn and Ultimate Baby Wrap as gifts. Then I found an awesome barely used Sakura Bloom sling on craigslist and a cheap Ergo on zulily. So I ridiculously have four. Who knows what I’ll actually end up using, as it seems that moms and babies form pretty strong preferences about these things.

I also finished preparing the arts and crafts activity for my baby shower this weekend! The shower is on Sunday and I was thankfully promised by the family friend organizing it that there would be NO games. Phew. I despise baby shower games. If I have to watch one more pair of grown ass women feed each other baby food blindfolded then I’m going to punch someone. While I’m anti-games, I am always excited about doing crafts at parties. It’s always a welcome distraction and means less interacting with people and more doing your own thing which, at times, I’m all about. Plus I love focusing and putting energy into creating something tangible. There is something so satisfying about that. So we’re going to decorate onesies and if no one else is interested in the decorating process then I will decorate all 23 myself because THAT SHIT IS MY JAM.

Last night we toured the labor and delivery floor/birthing suites at the hospital during our childbirth class. Seeing where our baby will be born made things feel much more real and also came as a big relief. What I was previously nervous about was not being able to give birth in one of the two designated intervention-free birthing suites. Obviously they have no way of knowing how many women will be laboring when, so there is no way to guarantee one of those rooms will be free. However, I took it as a good sign that BOTH of the birthing suites were open last night during our tour. I think more people than I anticipated opt for the rooms where epidurals are are an option. I felt comforted though because even the normal rooms are pretty nice and I would be totally happy delivering there – the only thing they don’t have is a jacuzzi tub. While a tub would be an awesome option, you can’t use one after your water has broken or for the pushing stage so there’s a good chance I wouldn’t be able to utilize it. I can’t anticipate what I’ll want during labor, but I’m not a big bath person anyway. In my normal state I find it relaxing to be in a bath for about 10 minutes and then the temperature is all wrong and I get antsy. I should probably stick to more reliable comfort measures while in labor.

I definitely do want to remember to bring some key things to the hospital to make the room more home-like. It will be easier to make one of the birthing suites feel “homey” but the normal rooms have potential as well. I need to bring my own pillow because those hospital ones are an insult to pillows. I also want to bring music and something that smells amazing, preferably lavender. Those few touches would make a world of difference.

I’m feeling far more supported by Hus these days, as he got really into the childbirth simulations during class and actually did an amazing job with massaging and comforting me. He is also almost done reading the Bradley Husband-Coached Method book, which is a huge accomplishment for him. I’m feeling increasingly less anxious about our decision to not hire a doula.

My due date is less than a month away and the mystery of when I’ll go into labor is killing me. I want so badly to have the baby earlier rather than later, which makes me think I’m probably sabotaging myself and will go frustratingly until 42 weeks. I know this wouldn’t be the end of the world and I should be more zen about this, but I already feel the days going into slow motion and am not sure how many times I can clean and fold things before I lose my mind. I know I should go into more of an appreciation mode for the way things are right now, since they’re about to change dramatically, but god that’s hard.

It’s rainy and cold today. Poqueta won’t go outside. It’s the saddest thing ever. I tried to take her on a walk. She ran excitedly to the door when I whistled, we took four steps outside and she LITERALLY froze in place, shivering like mad, and then ran back to the door. Poor thing. I’ll put her coat on and try again later.

Woke up early this morning to take Hus to the airport. He is flying to Washington state right now for our business. He is so lucky he flies for free (his mother retired from United Airlines). If all goes as planned, he’ll be back tomorrow. With him gone, all this rain and a freezing chihuahua, I feel even more sad than my usual hormonal self recently.

Things I want and probably won’t get: haircut and pre-natal massage.

Okay, I need to go lift this fog for realz.


okay my two most recent dreams are just too weird to not document.

up until the past two nights i had had only one baby/childbirth dream. that first one was very early on, maybe 10 weeks, and i dreamed that i gave birth to a chihuahua. of course i had this dream. the details were just too much though. i was in a hospital, but since it was only a chihuahua and not a real baby the staff forced me to stand in the hallway without a bed or any type of medical attention. i felt like it was a huge injustice and that me and my baby chihuahua were being discriminated against. i distinctly remember cradling the little newborn chihuahua, all alone, thinking “this is not what i expected at all, but i will still love you just the same.” hahaha. super creepy right? but also makes sense because if you know me in real life, you know that my husband and i have kind of done the whole attachment parenting thing with our chihuahua. we’re unhealthily invested in her at times. so of course my brain relates the parenting of her with our new baby.

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baby poqueta, hopefully the only newborn chihuahua i’ll ever have.Ā 

anyway, my subconsciousness hadn’t cared about the pregnancy at all since that dream (or at least i hadn’t remembered any dreams that i had). that is, until two nights ago when i had another childbirth dream nightmare:

so, i was able to have a natural, drug-free, vaginal birth… but it happened in a closet somewhere and was so intense that i completely blacked out during it. so the dream starts and i know that i’ve just gone through labor but remember none of it and there is no baby around, but lots of commotion/people running around. someone is holding a bucket with my placenta in it and they make me look at it against my will. i am very stressed out thinking a) where is my baby?!! and b) why do i remember nothing of labor?! i kept asking the people around what the labor was like, what i was doing during it, how long it took, how the baby was, etc but was getting few answers. all i figured out was that the baby was fine but in a hospital about 30 minutes away. i realized that if i didn’t find the baby soon my hopes for breastfeeding would be squashed because hospital staff was probably giving a bottle and my body wasn’t getting the message to create milk. so i looked down at my nipples and they were GONE. i had an areola but no nipple. scariest sight let me tell you, it’s still etched in my brain. so i manically embark on this mission to find my baby, but first i look in the mirror and for some reason have the worst haircut ever. awkward bangs that i don’t want, and and awkward just-hitting-shoulders length. UGH. Ā then i woke up.

so in that dream i never got to see my baby, but last night’s dream perhaps picked up where that one left off? because i had a beautiful baby boy in my arms, but he was super sleepy and sick. i am trying to get on an elevator to exit this big building, but when the elevator comes there are loud, obnoxious students, middle school aged in there and i am automatically in teacher mode (in fact in the moment they ARE my students) and i basically bitch them out, telling them i’m coming into the elevator with my baby and they better shut the f up. very professional teacher in that moment, clearly. anyway i eventually emerge from the building and go to a part at my friend nicole’s house/backyard in chicago but my baby is getting more sick. so for some reason i decide to start carrying him in a bag. his eyes are closed and not opening. then i woke up.

so there you have it, three total pregnancy nightmares so far! no uplifting dreams whatsoever. thanks, subconscious!

hopefully these dreams don’t out me as being mentally unstable or anything.