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oh how i love when he is sleeping

Everything is better after a long, gloriously hot shower — right?

Hafiz and I fell asleep together on his floor bed about two hours ago. I was rejoicing because he fell asleep without being rocked or bounced, so then I decided to take a nap with him. I snuck out after 30 minutes though and he has been there since, for 1.5 hrs all alone. This is a huge feat because during the day he has stubbornly been wanting to sleep on a person, which will not be easy to accomplish once real life continues tomorrow and I’m all alone with all day him while Husein is working in the basement. I’m optimistic that we’ll figure something out though.

Anyway, I realized something during my awesome shower (whenever Hafiz is REALLY sleeping I take a shower, except yesterday because I was determined to finish my SECOND TO LAST ILLUSTRATION FOR THE BOOK, which I did during one of his naps, meaning only one drawing is left!!!): I need to slow down and breathe. This is a simple thing that I had practically mastered during pregnancy because I was determined to keep calm for the growing baby and not let stressed out, rushed, panicked, cortisol-spiking vibes get to him. However, once the baby was out I totally lost sight of this practice. He falls asleep and suddenly I’m rushing around like a maniac trying to accomplish A, B, C, D, E, F and G at a rapid pace before he wakes up. So of course I feel stressed out and those tasks that I’m “accomplishing”? Well they’re not even being done well because I’m rushing so much. I’m shoving crackers and cheese into my face standing in the kitchen, hurrying through yoga skipping the savasana, hopping in and out of showers without enjoying their luxuriousness, coloring my illustrations messily, etc. It’s not a healthy nor sustainable way to be going about things. Let’s not mention how unpleasant this makes me towards Husein, who will ask me to help him with something and I yell “I’M ON THE CLOCK, FEEZ GONNA WAKE UP, CAN’T HELP YOU!” and run away. F-ed up.

This is all so clearly self-imposed because, HELLO CARLY, you intentionally have pretty much nothing that you MUST get done in your life right now. You’ve already told everyone that they aren’t getting Christmas presents (sorry, everyone). You aren’t working. You don’t even need to cook dinner! You can slow down and perhaps accomplish less, but enjoy more and do things better when you do actually do them.

And when the baby wakes up and cries? NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. He takes more naps, that’s a guarantee. In fact, be happy when he cries because you get to go in and smile at the most beautiful face in the entire world, the face of your son who you have been dreaming about having for basically your entire life. How stupid will you feel next year when you’re back in the classroom, back to the grind of teaching, remembering how rushed and stressed you felt when you were at home with newborn Hafiz? You’ll want to say to past Carly: APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE, SLOW DOWN AND BREATHE YOU DUMMY.

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