I just tiptoed into the nursery, past a precious little napping Hafiz, to fetch the journal I keep in the drawer of the little table next to his bookshelf. I wanted to look back at what I wrote in my journal on February 14th, 2013 — aka, the day Hafiz was conceived.
Husein and I laughed out loud when our doctor told us we would be doing the trigger shot in the morning on the 14th, with “timed intercourse” that night.
Here’s what I wrote in my journal on that morning:
A bird or possibly a lizard is chirping outside. It’s 4AM and pitch black. Our living room light illuminates the kitchen, sala (living room), bedroom, but the bathroom door has been dramatically slammed shut due to the massive amount of creepy crawlies in there. SO. My ovaries look like this [I drew a picture of that the big follicle loooked like on my right ovary]. I have a follicle. It was 16mm on Monday. Today is Thursday. This morning is the trigger shot with BMS in the evening. The 2 week wait will probably be no fun at all. I will be super worried about getting my period. It could easily be daily torture BUT instead I will read my Power of Now book and try with every ounce of myself to focus on the now. I want this so bad. I need to have faith in my body, though. If it’s the right time and my body is healthy then things will work. If not, then we’ll need to try again. At least we now know what it takes, right? Forget the $. Not important. Part of “living in the now” is pursing my goals relentlessly in the present.
(later on that day while sitting on the beach, I remember a really cute but filthy puppy kept running up to me)
Who cares if you have sand in every crevice? You will shower. Who cares if you pet a somewhat dirty puppy? You won’t die. Happy Valentine’s Day (every day the 14th..Oukast, yo). I can’t believe that our day to BMS fell on Valentine’s Day. Too funny. Perhaps it is meant to be? You need a ZEN attitude, Car. Whatever happens, accept. If something doesn’t happen yet, enjoy the adventure and all the play and work it will take to get there. Enjoy the process. So. If I’m not knocked up, I will cry. BUT I will also try to take pleasure in the journey. (Easier said than done but setting the intention is important!) New journeys will arise. I need to accept that which is out of my control, which is true of so many things. It is pointless to fret and analyze when YOU CAN’T CONTROL IT! Change is inevitable and all things are temporary. Uncomfortable feelings will pass. Think about years from now. These few weeks/months won’t matter. They will be worth it. You’ll wish you appreciated each and every day. In fact, you’ll probably miss the FREEDOM you had pre-baby. And you know that’s true.
And exactly one year later… THIS FACE:
I feel just so, so, so freaking blessed. I posted that picture on Facebook but will NOT be giving it the caption “Happy Conception Day, Hafiz!” haha. Too much information, right?
We didn’t really do anything exceptionally romantic last year, since uh, having to have sex at EXACTLY 8 PM is not really that romantic, but afterwards we did get tacos at our favorite place, Tacos on the Street, and ran into a bunch of friends from school. Then we probably ate ice cream because I lived at Wakika. And then I entered the 2 week wait, where I over-analyzed every little feeling in my body like WHOA, leading up to the HPT on Feb 28th.
And that was the start of the beautiful Hafiz.
He is more even more beautiful now that I have him napping. Granted, the naps are often super short (40-60 minutes on average) but I’m not worrying about that right now. He is napping in his bed! And 40 minutes with him in his bed > 1.5 hrs in Moby wrap on my chest, ya know? I figure they’ll get longer with time. We’re actually finding ourselves on a solid 3 hr EASY schedule (eat, activity, sleep, your time, AND YOUR TIME REALLY IS MY TIME NOW!!) so it’s nice to have some predictability. The only exception is often his evening feeds get closer to 2 hrs together, probably because he’s stockpiling milk for his night sleep. That’s what I tell myself anyway.
He’s unfortunately not happily accepting a bottle right now. We tried to give him one last night and he took half and then got grouchy. Oh well, we will keep trying.
There’s still lots of snow but at least the sun is shining right now. I might even take a walk. I am in serious need of vitamin D!