I need to write something to hafiz that I’m currently thinking, while sitting in his nursery and watching him NOT sleep.

I know you are tired, hafiz. You were closing your eyes while I read you a story and then you nearly nodded off sucking your pacifier. But then you spit out the paci three times. And you aren’t doing the suffering cry. It isn’t even a struggling cry just yet. You are just making sleepy noises and I’m going to sit and watch and listen to what happens now. It will inevitably escalate a bit. But you are tired. And you spit out your paci. So you need to figure this out on your own, kid. I wish I could snap my fingers to make you sleep. But I can’t. You need to learn this one in your own. I’ll help you, of course. I’ll get the room warm and cozy and dark. I’ll sing your favorite song. I’ll read you a book. I’ll lie next to you. I’ll give you the opportunity to suck your paci. But then it’s up to you.

He found his hand, at least. I’ve yet to see him pass out sucking his hand though. Now he’s talking to himself. Sleep, silly boy!!!

Earlier today he did this same refusing-paci thing during nap time but was able to fuss for 10 min and go down. Things are always sketchier in the evening though and it’s almost 5pm. Not sure how this will pan out but I’m restraining myself from intervening by writing in this. Can’t leave the nursery though since hafiz’s floor bed has like 20 suffocation hazards right now. Okay it’s just a pillow and a blanket but man they make those things sound downright terrifying to have near your baby, right?

I’m really loving his floor bed, by the way. I had no idea if we’d actually use it – I imagined us co-sleeping for longer actually – but it’s now my favorite part of the nursery. I love that I can lay down with him so easily to read a book, nurse or sleep. When he is really struggling to sleep I just nap with him and i think my relaxed vibes must transfer to him because he inevitably chills out, no matter how worked up he has become.

Shit now he is fussing full force. Still not suffering. Definitely getting frustrated though.

I need to be okay with his frustration, though. He will get frustrated A LOT as he learns new things and figures out boundaries.

Now he’s yelling. He is pissed. This might be a fail. Come on hafiz!! You can do it, buddy!!!

Anyway. It’s so freaking ugly out today. Grey sky, icy temperature, snow and sleet non-stop. At least I took advantage of the sunshine yesterday. In the late afternoon I put Feez in the moby and braved the melting snow! It was actually gorgeous and sunny. I did the loop I did daily when pregnant, nearly 5 miles. Everything looked different under snow, of course. It was super beautiful. I should’ve brought my phone, especially to take pictures of the most hilarious snowmen family wearing bathing suits and building a snow castle.

He’s asleep!!! The crying ramped up to the point of almost not bearable and then BAM out. It’s so freaking hard to know whether or not I should intervene.

Ps all that stuff about how babies sleep better when they put themselves to sleep isn’t true. Even when he fusses it out his naps are just as short.

Anyway! After hafiz and I took our loooong walk, Hus made a Mexican feast for vday (tortilla soup and fish tacos) and then gave me cupcakes he got at the gluten free bakery for me. YUM. Oh and then we watched “the best exotic magnolia hotel” which was great. Hafiz wanted to party with us for vday I think because he was difficult to put down but once he went to sleep around 9 he slept straight through to 7am so can’t complain.

Uh oh he’s crying ish again. In his sleep I think. Oh I hate that! Makes me so sad. Now it’s over. Babies are weird.

Hafiz has a mirror next to his bed and I was playing with him looking into it and realized how ugly babies make adults look. Like I think I’m okay looking usually but when I put my face next to his in the mirror I look so awful. It’s because babies just have perfect features, big eyes, clear skin, innocent expression, etc. And adults just don’t. Our eyes are smaller relative to our faces. Our skin has wrinkles or scars or blemishes. No innocent expression. Am I the only one with this psycho thought?!

Okay he seems officially out. I need a replacement for sleep sheep – white noise that doesn’t stop after 45 min yet still travels well. Any ideas? I keep having to replace the batteries and am getting frustrated w the time constraint.

Alright need to do some laundry while this nap thing goes on. Oh a picture as evidence of my everyone-is-ugly-next-to-a-baby argument:

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RIGHT?!!

Oh and the booties came today!! I ordered them big so they last for longer (size 6 months) but they seem to stay on regardless!

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Much love!!

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