"when all your desires are distilled; you will cast just two votes: to love more, and be happy" -hafiz

Monthly Archives: March 2014

can’t believe we have been here 5 days! This trip has absolutely flown by thus far and I’m already sad to think about flying home on Tuesday. the only thing I look forward to about going home is that my friend kari will have her baby boy any day now and I will get to meet him!!!!!

anyway! So very much to tell but this post will probably be brief because eating chocolate and doing a face mask w my friend ashley awaits. We are being such girls tonight because her husband is going to a concert.

so let me just say, first of all, that the flight went GREAT. I would say my #1 piece of advice for traveling with a baby is to choose an unpopular time to fly. Tuesday was perfect. Our flight was half empty so hus, hafiz and I got an entire row (both sides of the plane aka 6 seats) to ourselves! We had plenty of space to change feez, let him lay down and play and store our excessive carry-ons. Having the boppy was also super convenient because hafiz could nurse without banging his head and feet on arm rests. Also when he fell asleep nursing (briefly) I could have my hands free.

I was able to keep to our usual 3 hr eat-activity-sleep schedule, except getting him to nap without crying wasn’t easy. I had to nurse him down and he doesn’t stay asleep long when he’s nursed to sleep. I think the entire 6 hr flight he took two half hour naps. But he didn’t fuss at all while awake so I’m calling it a win.

I made hus hand out 20 goody bags and it was actually a great way to create instant community on the plane. Everyone seemed really grateful and were very reassuring to us that they wouldn’t mind if he cried. I had him wear his united onesie (from his grandma who retired from united) so the flight attendants loooved him.


Not sure if it was the pressure or extra nursing but he did have two blow outs on the plane! Good thing I brought lots of extra clothes. Another reason disposable diapers suck – I’ve literally never had a poop blow out with cloth! Pee has leaked, yes, but it’s much easier to deal with that kind of leak.


Sleeping in outfit number 2.

I was very confused that first night about what to do regarding bedtime. I knew trying to get him on Cali would mean bedtime 3 hrs later (and we had woken him up at 5am that morning instead if his usual 7am so it was already going to be a long day for him!) so I decided to try to go halfway between the time zones. He was fast asleep that first night by 6pm, which was 9pm to his body. I thought this was genius – we had a fun night with lots of friends coming over – until he woke up at 4am ready to party (since that was 7am to him!). Hus and I played with him a bit at 4am but then thankfully got him to sleep in until 8am. The rest of the week has pretty much been like this, nice early bedtime and he sleeps through the night by east coast time but annoyingly wakes us up early and we try to get him back down.


how I put him down for naps so he couldn’t roll off!!

OMG speaking of rolling, I almost forgot!! The night before the trip – a night when I of course wanted feezy to get a good rest since I wanted one myself and knew we were waking him prematurely – he was struggling like crazy to get to sleep because he just kept rolling to his belly and screaming. For 3 hours I was in and out putting him on his back! So imagine my surprise when I went in at 5am to wake him and he was on his belly sleeping peacefully!!! I was so happy about that. Seriously made my morning. He hasn’t done it again yet but now I have hope that he will learn to love sleeping that way and won’t need me to flip him back.

Oh, I wanted to talk co-sleeping. I had been nervous about it since that hellish week when I was co-sleeping by necessity I got little rest. However, now that hafiz is back to himself we all sleep great together. Adam and Ashley have a bigger bed than ours, which helps. Hus actually left the bay a few days ago to go to Arizona so it has just been me and hafiz, and I have just loved crawling into bed after he has been sleeping peacefully there for hours. Watching him sleep is the best.

Gotta go!!!!!>


so so SO excited!

the past week has been rough, to say the least. i felt sleep deprived for the first time as a mother. i know i lucked out with hafiz sleeping like a champion as a newborn, but i think it’s for this very reason that i wasn’t at all prepared to deal with running on little sleep come 4 months. i had no practice! my friend kari – aka expert on sleep deprivation – is barely phased by nights where her daughter keeps her up since her body has learned to cope. i am not yet there.

we are in no way out of the woods yet – especially with this trip tomorrow which will surely throw hafiz off like whoa – but last night was the first night of hope. he struggled to fall asleep, crying a little every 15 min between 8:30 and 9:30. then at 1:20am he was crying. i woke up and held my breath, trying to decide how to respond. should I just nurse him and then camp out I’m his room as I had done for the past week? nurse him and go back to my own bed? just pat him and hope he stops? i slowly got up to pee before making my decision and… the crying stopped. i fell back asleep and didn’t wake up again until his crying started again at 4:30am. i listened for awhile but this time it sounded far more frantic and wasn’t slowing. so i nursed him on one side. he actually refused the other side which bothered me because it was uncomfortably full (having just adjusted to a week of heavy night nursing!) so i just put him down wide awake and went downstairs to pump that overly full side. didn’t hear another peep from him until 8am!!!

lesson learned: even though listening to him cry in the night is for some reason 1 million times more painful than in the daytime, give him 5-10 min to see what happens (unless the cries are serious serious) before responding.

i do notice that when we are co-sleeping he wakes up a lot. is it my movements and noises? the smell of milk? can’t be sure but I bet this “letting him cry to figure it out” will be far less effective when we are all in bed together this week. pretty sure he will know I’m there and expect some help from mama. part of me is seriously considering him in the bed (with pillows as bumpers so he can’t roll either direction) and me on the floor!! we’ll see.

i really am trying to be as “que será será” regarding this week. I won’t be able to keep hafiz’s wakefulness to 90 min all the time. I will be praying that he falls asleep nursing (especially on the plane). most naps will be on the go. I’m bringing the paci even though he hasn’t wanted it in weeks. bedtime will be all over the place. Let’s hope he will be fairly adaptable.

we are pretty much packed. hafiz is bringing twice as much as me since we know he tends to get bodily liquids on everything and we will have limited access to laundry. It looks like there are plenty of empty seats on the plane which means husein will probably get on and sit with us. PHEW! fingers crossed the airline handles our car seat with care. hafiz will be wearing his united airlines onesie (from my mother-in-law) in hopes of receiving special treatment. I also have the goody bags for the 20 passengers around us for both the flight there and coming back that contain ear plugs, gum and chocolate.

we’re ready to roll.

speaking of rolling, hafiz hadn’t rolled in a whole week! that was another way I could tell something was really up with him. he went from non-stop practicing to just laying there with sleepy eyes. I really think it was just a perfect storm of 4 month sleep regression (when their sleep patterns become more adult-like), in-laws visiting and being overwhelming, along with the massive vaccinations on wednesday. there are still big swollen knots on his legs from those 😦 today was the first day where he had that brightness back in his eyes and started rolling again! I’m 100% sure it’s because he actually slept last night.

ok going to do a few last touches with packing and then hopefully get to bed early since we are leaving the house at 5:45am. wish us luck!!

when I don’t post much here, it’s probably because things are rough and I’m too tired/in a dark place to blather on about random things.

so yeah. I actually only missed one day of posting. I’m basically being dramatic. That one day feels looong though because…

sleep deprivation is a bitch!

It’s hiiiiiilarious to me now that last week I thought one hungry wake up was bad.

Tuesday — so this was pre-vaccines — was by far hafiz’s worst night to date. I still don’t know what happened and am kind of mystified because his ability to self-soothe has been getting better and better until 12am that night when NOTHING would get him to sleep. Spent a few hours there nursing, offering paci, letting him cry, singing, rocking, etc. honestly I would’ve let him cry longer but that was my in-laws first night here and I didn’t want to a) keep then up and b) have them think I was a neglectful mother. Soo 12-2? Or 3? Didn’t watch the clock but it was a long time with an inconsolable baby.

Last night (so post-vaccinations) was actually better but still pretty rough with two hungry wake ups and slight stirring at other times. I slept on his floor bed.

He actually seems fine after this round of shots! Not fussy at all though quite lethargic. Going down for naps easily and staying asleep. So crazy that his days are now easy and nights are wonky, the opposite of what I’m used to from him.

Anyway just writing this down so I have an account of the hard days with feezy and when I start thinking about having #2 I can reality check myself with this!!

Oh and my mom thinks that hafiz’s rough night on Tuesday was directly related to my rough day (interview, crying, feeling sad about the future, etc) since hafiz and I are so connected. What do you think?

Anyway. I’m trying to stay positive and be excited about our trip to California next week.

Gotta go. H is struggling hard core to fall asleep for the past 1.5 hrs. Good times…

the forgotten child

It was a long interview today, because it wasn’t a traditional interview. I worked closely with the school leader 4 years ago at a different school, so we go way back, and I know a bunch of the teachers there already, too. I was there 7:45am-11:15am and Hafiz had refused to nurse before I left (because oh I guess he got the memo that my boobs wanted him at 4am because he woke up then to eat! And I made the big mistake of bringing him to my bed to feed him because I was hella sleepy buuut neither of us got much sleep, more thoughts on this disturbing realization to come) and that was a looong time to not nurse. At the end I walked to the parking lot, got in the car, looked down and…

F my life!!!

I also might add that I left the school building crying a bit, which my mom said may have triggered my let down, since of course I was thinking about hafiz, so I’m really hoping she is right and that I hadn’t been walking the hallways of the school looking like that. Could that shirt possibly show wetness any more?!? Excellent outfit choice CARLY.


Anyway. I was thinking about Hafiz because I was essentially offered a position and the hours of the school are such that I would be out of the house Monday through Friday, 6:30am-5pm or 6pm every day. with hafiz’s bedtime at 7:30 and likely being pushed earlier when he is napping less… I basically wouldn’t see him. I don’t physically understand how so so many working moms do this. I burst into tears once I hit the parking lot just thinking about it.

Financially, it would be great for us. More hours = more pay. Since we are accustomed to living on very little, it would actually provide us with a very comfortable lifestyle.

That’s not reason enough to take the job. But it’s something I can’t help but consider.


Anyone else imagine their baby crying constantly even though they never are?

Good thing hafiz has been doing amazing with naps and bedtime just in time for it to be disrupted by vaccinations tomorrow morning!!!

I love him so much. It hurts.

Backbending and mirror gazing.

I’m choosing to be 100% excited about our upcoming trip instead of stressing about the flight because I can’t control how it goes so why worry?! I’ll do my best to keep hafiz happy and that is that.

Oh and back to me not getting sleep with hafiz in our bed. I don’t. Get any. He doesn’t really fall asleep nursing. And he likes his space to sleep. This worries me because we will be co-sleeping in California AND nursing would be an awesome way to get him to sleep on the plane. No idea how I’m going to get him to sleep.

Speaking of planes. Just watched basically the worst thing I’ve ever seen in breaking bad of an air traffic control making a mistake. AHH. Can someone please explain what exactly traffic controllers do and what is involved with keeping all those airplanes organized in the sky? My brain cannot comprehend how this works. Airplanes never cease to amaze and concern me.

Okay. Enough rambling for one night!!

Tomorrow I have an interview and realized when I woke up at 4AM (because my boobs were expecting a night feeding that Hafiz didn’t wake up for — I can’t believe they re-calibrated after like 3 nights of night feedings?!!–  so I had to do hot compresses and relieve some pressure then… almost would have preferred just nursing the kid but he decided to sleep nearly 12 hrs straight and now I’m trying not to get my hopes up that this behavior lasts though even though secretly of course I do!!!) that I have NOTHING TO WEAR. And not in that way that girls always say they have nothing to wear when they actually have a closet full of perfectly nice, fitting clothes they just don’t like at the moment. I’ve been there, too, of course. But now I actually don’t fit into any of my dressy clothes. Part of the issue is that I haven’t worn nice work clothes for 1.5 years  since my school last year was on the beach and I wore casual skirts, dresses, shorts or jeans every day. Why did I leave that school again?! SIGH. So last time I dressed up for work I weighed 103 lbs. Newsflash: I weight 15ish more lbs now. 

Shopping isn’t an option since I have no car today (Hus has a business meeting in the city all day) and I wouldn’t want to spend the non-existent $ either so I’ll need to get creative. I have stretchy skirts that still fit but none of them say “professional” at all. Probably can’t wear my standard lululemon leggings… UNLESS I find a dress that would be too short for an interview and masquerade it over leggings as a tunic? That sounds like a bad idea.

This reminds me of a conversation I had with my friend Monica the other night. She was my freshman year college roommate and is now actress in LA (has had appearances in lots of TV shows and been in a few movies as well) and she was asking how adjusting to motherhood has been. I was trying to articulate how I felt re: my identity. So I was explaining that pre-motherhood I would only wear yoga pants and leggings but felt totally fine with it. But now that I’m a mom I feel like only wearing yoga pants/leggings is making me such a cliché because I’m not taking the time to look presentable even though I NEVER really looked particularly presentable or had style. But it seemed okay to me before but doesn’t feel right now.

Then Monica gave me the only compliment I’ve ever been given re: fashion and said, “I didn’t think that you didn’t have style. I always borrowed clothes from you.” Which isn’t even a compliment really but considering she herself is one of the more fashionable people I know — my other roommates and I called her “Fancy Monica” back in college — I appreciated this very weak compliment. 

So if I ever had “style” may be questionable, but I can ASSURE  you there’s none present here now. I am a yoga pants expert. Yoga pants + UGGs + nursing tank top + hooded sweatshirt or cardigan = my daily uniform. 

Pretty sure Hafiz has more style than me these days. 

Speaking of Hafiz, he just woke up. Gotta go. It’s snowing again. THANKS PHILADELPHIA. 

We’ve had a bunch of visitors come to see Hafiz in the past few days, which has been so so nice.

For awhile there I wasn’t really enjoying when people came to see the baby because, well, he wasn’t all that entertaining so we kind of sat around watching him do nothing, I felt like I had to be entertaining to compensate for what the baby lacked, so I felt weird and trying too hard, and then I’d have to awkwardly nurse in front of people.

I’m all about breastfeeding whenever, wherever and around whoever but it’s weird when it’s just like you, your friend her her boyfriend that you don’t know that well and then you take your boob out? I don’t know, I want to be cool with it but I feel like it makes THEM feel awkward even though I just want to say I REALLY DON’T CARE IF YOU SEE MY BOOB I PROMISE ONCE YOU SEE IT IN MY BABY’S MOUTH IT WILL LOSE ALL SEXUAL RELEVANCE buuut that could make things awkward too because that’s implying they will look at your boob and have sexual feelings right?!!

Okay I just way over thought that.

But anyway, I figured out the best way for me to deal with guests that I’m not super comfortable with (my close buddies obviously excluded from this, could care less if Josh and Kari see my boob LOVE YA GUYS) is for me to whip out a bottle. Then everyone can watch the baby eat which is apparently very entertaining? Usually I have Hus start the feeding and then he passes the baby to one of the guests and they get to feel very special and involved by giving him a bottle. Haha. And then he spits up on them and they understand my life. It’s enjoyable for all. 

In light of this realization I think I will bring my breast pump to California after all. I’m all about packing as little as possible BUT the pump is very small and could be super convenient, especially since I want to do a non-mom-baby yoga class (that my friend Ashley is teaching of course) while there. Also, Ashley made me an appt with the BEST masseuse on planet earth while I’m there — a massuese who I’ve missed terribly for the past 4+ years since we left the Bay and who I thought about every.single.day of my pregnancy because all I wanted were her hands on me. Sure Hus bought me a prenatal massage but that lady was way too soft. This masseuse gives a really deep massage and she actually understands muscles in such a way that it’s incredibly hard where you need it most and never in an ouchy place. She is gifted beyond belief. Wow, massage tangent there. Bottom line is that having the breast pump will give me some freedom to do theses fun things without Hafiz AND will allow me to continue my 10pm pumping sessions so my boobs don’t explode in the night. 

I go back and forth between being incredibly excited about the California trip and then incredibly anxious. All of my anxiety is regarding the flight there, the 6.5 hr one. Once I’m there, I know things will be great. But Hafiz hasn’t napped in my arms at all recently and obviously I want him to sleep on the plane. I’m hoping that the boppy will help encourage some zzzs for him. And I’m also really hoping Hus is next to me (he’s flying stand-by so doesn’t have a confirmed ticket) and/or we have an empty seat that Hafiz can sprawl out on. 

OH this is a big deal! WE STOPPED USING THE SNUGGLE ME CUSHION. I noticed that during naps when we didn’t use it he seemed to like rolling on his side when getting cozy and soothing himself so I decided, what the hell, let the kid move. I knew it was at the risk of him going onto his tummy and freaking out in the night but no issues with that yet. He doesn’t seem to move a ton after he falls asleep, just in the process of getting there. 

Oh and regarding night sleep. I’m fully accepting the fact that one middle of the night feeding may be our new normal now with the early bedtime. If it starts to bother me I could do a 10pm dream feed… but then I’d need to find a new time to pump. Eh. I don’t mind feeding him once a night as long as he goes right back to sleep after. It’s weird though, because I expected him to fall asleep nursing since that’s what always happened during night feedings in those early days when he was still doing night feedings but now he’s a completely different baby. He doesn’t fall asleep nursing at all. The past two nights he ate and then just wanted to loudly talk/happy yell himself to sleep. It was actually really cute when I realized that’s just how he wanted to fall asleep, so I fell asleep too, across the hall, while listening to his little sounds. 

Ugh I love him so much. 


the reason he is anti-paci now 


got there on his own, and then showed off his superman strong man skillz

Okay it’s ice cream and early-ish bedtime time. xoxo.


Time is flying just as every parent told me it would! Can’t believe Hafiz is 4 months old. I love him more every single day and just feel so unbelievably blessed to have the best baby ever (in my clearly unbiased opinion haha). Here is what’s up with him these days:

-Shrieks, coos, yells, moans, squeaks, laughs. He will have extremely vocal days and then more subdued ones.

-Nurses fast in the daytime and wants less. Sometimes only one side which is a very new thing. Spitting up more than ever. He isn’t uncomfortable, that’s apparently just how he rolls. Eating slightly less at feedings has helped. Not on a rigid schedule for nursing, anywhere from 2.5-4hrs apart.

-Super serious in the bath, observing all the new sounds and sensations — probably since we still only take a bath every 5ish days it’s still quite mysterious to him.

-Naps are happening. Regularly. Easily. I really hope this sticks. I love love love nap time and feel like a human as of late because I shower, do yoga, clean, laundry, apply for jobs, put finishing touches on the book, etc all while hafiz is sleeping soundly. It’s the best! And he is clearly in a better mood now that he is getting good quality sleep rather than being carried. However, most days at least one nap is on a walk so we both get some fresh (though often freezing cold) air.

-Nights are still great, though bedtime had been rough but is getting better. I think I figured out why. When naps sucked he was crashing at night relatively easily, usually while nursing. Once naps were better I expected him to continue crashing while nursing but he wouldn’t. Basically I’m now giving him more opportunity to self-soothe at night rather than expecting him to fall asleep at the breast as he used to. Tonight was our first nearly tear-free bedtime and he seems to have put himself down. Eyes shut by 7pm isn’t realistic for us though – I’m thinking 8pm will be bedtime now.

-Rolling. It’s all he does and it’s making him seem so much older all of a sudden since he is freaking mobile. I’m just looking at him thinking, how did this creature just come out of my body and is now rolling around?!? He is so exhilarated each time he gets to his belly, then spits up and hates it, so he is starting to catch on to the belly to back thing (which he was actually able to do before but was out of practice since we quit tummy time).

20140314-202245.jpg the first time he did it – pure joy!

-Likes: stuffed animal Fox, Sophi the giraffe, having space to sprawl out, sucking his fingers, pulling my necklace while nursing, his new white noise machine, looking at himself in the mirror, walks outside when it isn’t too cold, yoga class, naked time, peeing when he is on his belly, laughing with his dad, short books, Raffi, doing back bends.


-Dislikes: non-moving car seat, spitting up, snuggle me cushion (need to get him out soon because he wants to move), swaddle (which is why we successfully stopped!), being left alone to go to sleep, distractions while nursing.

-Still no sign of teeth but I’m convinced all the saliva and chewing stuff must be pre-teething, but who knows?

-Will find out his weight on Wednesday but I’m thinking 15 lbs!


Okay I think that’s about it! As for me, I feel so much better these days both mentally and physically. I feel nothing like my pre-baby self but am okay with that. More on that tomorrow maybe. Right now I need to pump and then pick up Hus at the airport! At midnight, that is. That boy owes me.