i was going to write a little 4 month update since yesterday was hafiz’s 4 month bday, but i think i’ll have to do that tomorrow because there are too many other random things on my brain right now. 

i’m hesitantly jumping for joy inside right now because it appears that hafiz was asleep by 7:45pm. WHAT. if he stays asleep until his normal wake up time then i will know there is hope for us yet. as you may recall it was taking me ~2 hrs of nursing to put him to bed and he wouldn’t be asleep after that. we were having serious nighttime drama and i couldn’t comprehend all these things i read about babies going to sleep way before their parents and parents having time in the evening to themselves. his best day was falling asleep at 9pm, his worst and increasingly frequent at 10pm which is pretty much my bedtime! it was exhausting for me and clearly not exhausting enough for him (or too exhausting? since overtiredness probably was the culprit).

so i bumped up his bedtime, cut off his nursing session when i felt he had emptied both sides and put him down. last night he cried for an hour. actually more than an hour but he cried first for like 30 min, i caved and nursed him a little more thinking he might be hungry, then he cried for an hour. it was truly awful. and then get this. i go in there at 8:45, after listening to a full hour of SCREAMS, put my hand on his chest, say “mama’s here” and OUT. he fell asleep that easily. he had clearly exhausted himself but my mere presence was then enough to put him out until 7am the next morning. i fucking bawled. why had i not gone in sooner? what kind of horrible person am i? all he wanted was ME, i could have just gone in there! UGH. 

since i was shaking with sadness and guilt after that experience last night and husein is in mexico so i was lonely, i crept into hafiz’s room at 10pm last night with my blanket and slept next to him. i just wanted to hear his breathing all night and know he was okay. of course i didn’t sleep well at all. every hour, on the hour, hafiz would stir but still have his eyes closed, i would wake up concerned that he was waking up and would watch him put his fingers in his mouth and fall back asleep. so i was up every hour watching him do this. i had no clue he did this since back when we co-slept he was always swaddled, so this was actually pretty cool to see however not so cool for me to not sleep the whole night. i have a feeling his newfound finger soothing is the reason he pretty much always spits out the paci these days. oh and when hafiz wasn’t waking me up stupid pokey kept wanting to get in and out of the room, which meant me sloowwwlllyy opening that damn creaky door as to not wake hafiz (though honestly i think he sleeps harder than i give him credit for as the creaky door only wakes him up when he’s in the process of falling asleep not when he’s already there). and then pokey would come back and scratch scratch on the door and i’d have to go open it again. what is wrong with that damn chihuahua? oh that’s right, she’s sad because i never pay attention to her anymore. sorry poke poke 😦

sidenote: make husein oil the hinge on that door. 

anyway. so last night was rough. but the day was great! hafiz went from rolling a few times on tuesday to spending yesterday and today rolling CONSTANTLY. he rolls to his tummy, smiles HUGE, squeals with delight, then a few seconds pass and he realizes he hates it so he SCREAMS. oh and he usually spits up too because that’s always how damn tummy time goes down. so while before i could leave the room while he was on his blanket now i need to run in to save him from his belly constantly. and what happens when i roll him to his back? he rolls to his belly again! aaaand repeat. i’m like KID you gotta figure yourself out. 


the proud smile BEFORE the i-hate-being-here scream

this evening he showed promise, though. he finally rolled intentionally from belly to back a few times to save himself. it’s not as natural as the back to belly (which became a fluid, easy motion for him within like 24 hours of learning, which is crazy) but i have a feeling it will soon and then we’re in big ass trouble because he will be in full motion and his nursery isn’t even childproofed. when practicing today he went from his blanket over to his closet, rolling, which is 4 feet. i just watched him with my jaw dropped thinking OH NO. i can’t just leave him here for 15 minutes at a time anymore. AHH.


yesterday was also good because hafiz woke himself up from his morning nap early (by rolling to his belly in his sleep of freaking course, which makes me never want to stop using the snuggle me cushion at night because it prevents him from rolling himself awake!!!) which meant i could take him to the new moms group! i love going and seeing the other babies and talking to other moms. i also need to move to that area so i can walk to those meetings. oh wait but when we move there that will mean i’m working full time again so i won’t be going to any meetings at all. and speaking of that, i got an email today and have an interview for a teaching position. i should have been happy considering i’ve been sending resumes and cover letters all over the place, but my heart dropped. i am afraid of being offered a job because i know i’ll have to take it and accept the fact that, come august, i won’t see hafiz from 7am-5pm each weekday. and now that his bedtime routine starts at 7pm… that’s like 2 hours of hafiz a day. WHAT!? i don’t understand how people see their children that little? ugh i really hope i can work something part-time out. it’s very unlikely though. i’m terrified. deeply terrified.


the good news is that my whole new bedtime routine went much better tonight because i did not leave my poor baby to cry. instead i just laid down next to him (have i mentioned how much i love the floor bed?!!) with my hand on him and talked to him and he fell asleep within 15-20 minutes. some crying was involved but nothing too bad. if he sleeps til morning then i will be so so so so so so HAPPY!!! knock on wood though. i’m still waiting across the hall for him to cry any minute, you know how that goes. 

okay i need to go eat ice cream and pump and maybe even go to bed early since hafiz seems to be cooperating and husein is still in mexico. xoxo.