…is where this post will be so i apologize in advance. i feel like my mind is fractured into a million different directions today and am having trouble focusing or accomplishing anything. enter: blog. haha. 

first things first: FEEZY IS STILL SICK! boo. however, today (day 4 of illness, though fever seems to have broken yesterday though i can’t be sure because i am going by the way he feels to the touch and refusing to stick the thermometer up his little bum) the appearance of a faint rash gave us an actual diagnosis rather than “a virus” as the pediatrician so precisely described it. he has roseola. it’s pretty common and, for what it’s worth, he’s not having a severe case since has has had no mega high fever and was able to nurse at least a little yesterday. just need to wait it out at this point. i may have to give him tylenol again this evening though. i’ve only been giving it 1x a day, in the evenings when he has most needed it. i’m super wary of od-ing on tylenol ever since i listened to a this american life episode about how infant tylenol is one of the biggest killers of infants. AWESOME. but that’s because people give way too much. and it’s tylenol’s fault because their dosing was messed up. anyway, it’s still a brilliant medication when given properly. i’ll probably have to give him some tonight because, once again, he’s incredibly uncomfortable today. at least he’s nursing more than yesterday. i was FREAKING OUT when he wouldn’t eat yesterday. my heart really goes out to people who have struggled with their babies refusing to eat or having low appetites because it’s such an awful feeling. 

of course, hafiz being sick has brought forth all these anxious emotions regarding me going back to work in july. sick babies just NEED THEIR MOM. point blank. husein has stepped in here and there but, when it comes down to it, i’m the one that is going to soothe him best either with my boob or my baby beluga song or the special way i rock him or whatever. i hate thinking about hafiz being sick next year and me leaving him. i know i really shouldn’t complain because he’ll be with his father and not a daycare or a nanny which is what most people do (not to mention the fact that your baby can’t go to daycare when they are sick so then you need to figure out what to do, that must be stressful) but… i still feel sad thinking about it. that’s all. 

#1 thing i’m dreading is the pumping though. pretty sure i’ve mentioned that 5 million times. but i’m actually pumping right now so i’m literally feeling how much i hate it. i’m actually pumping and getting NOTHING which is freaking me the fuck out. hafiz nursed barely at all yesterday and is still pathetically nursing today (refusing most times i offer, latching on for a few minutes on each side every 4 hours) and yet… my boobs are empty?!!! does this mean my supply is horrifically low because of his sick-induced weird nursing habits these past few days? or that he ate more than i realize even though it was super fast? i felt like he wasn’t getting much milk because he hasn’t spit up AT ALL. i would love if the spitting up stage were just magically over right now buuut… i have a feeling that isn’t it. i have a feeling my supply is messed up. gahhh. 

tomorrow i’m going to go all in with increasing my supply. lactation tea, oatmeal, flaxseed, extra pumping after he attempts to nurse. COME ON BOOBS. don’t fail me now!!!!!

oh, at the pediatrician on monday hafiz weighed 16 lbs!! so my boobs aren’t failing me in general. we’ll get the exact 6 month weigh-in at his appointment next week. probably won’t go up much because of this sickness though. 

i was supposed to go to this big concert of my father’s tonight but couldn’t because of hafiz 😦 my mom and husein went to support him though. i feel bad, i know he really wanted all of us there. but a crying hafiz probably wouldn’t have been a great addition to the concert. 

we have 2 days to make requests to the seller of our house re: the inspection, so tomorrow we are getting an electrician and plumber to follow up on a few things. the amount of paperwork we’ve been doing for both the house and the mortgage are pretty anxiety-producing. not to mentioned the paperwork i’ve also been working on relentlessly for my teaching credential. i can’t even talk about this because it actually stresses me out way too much and i’m just PRAYING that the pa dept of ed doesn’t totally screw me over. i have my masters degree in special education, have been teaching for 6 years and yet… the credential might not go through. fortunately, my school is really awesome and will help me do whatever it takes to get into the classroom legally at the start of the year but – worst case scenario – it might mean enrolling in a class which i would have to take one evening each week? which would mean more time away from hafiz. which would make me super angry. 

i received an email from my school today because they just completed their hiring process and are fully staffed so they wanted to introduce all the new teachers to one another. oh and get this. they received 500 applications for the elementary school and only hired 2% of applicants. WHAT!? i was shocked by this. so 500 people applied 10 were hired. uhh. that shows you a) how hard it is to find a teaching position right now!!! and b) how awesome i am. jk on that last part. the email did make me feel good though, because it made me realize that, as much as i’m dreading going back to work, i’m really very fortunate to have a job. i hope i love it there. 

oh i just read an awesome book!! it’s called the goldfinch by donna tartt. nothing beats a great novel, yo. i’m getting back into the groove with my kindle, going between a baby led weaning book and a fiction novel at all times. husein and i also started a new tv series on netflix: house of cards. can’t decide how into it i am just yet but enough to keep watching, that’s for sure. 

i apologize for no pictures on my blog right now. i know that’s super lame and makes this boring to read. taking pictures of a sick, non-smiley baby kind of sucks though. 

much love!!!!!!!