I’m nearly 11 weeks pregnant with baby #2 and in much greater need of the “love more, be happy mentality” with this pregnancy.
I dislike how busy my life is right now. I feel like I accidentally fell into that whole American mindset of busy-ness = worthwhile life even though I DON’T BELIEVE THAT AT ALL.
Busy might be okay if your busy-ness also includes fun and spontaneity and adventure and excitement. But my life is busy and boring right now. Basically each day is the same. Alarm goes off at 5:30am. I quietly tiptoe out of my dark house and to my car at 6:15am. I am at my school by 6:30am. Rushing around preparing things until kids arrive at 7:30am. I have not one minute away from children until 4:20pm because that is the nature of my school. Constant teaching. Constant crisis control. Constant. No relaxed prep that I hear exists at other schools. I get home by 5pm at best but on meeting days it’s 6pm. I see Hafiz for an hour or so before bedtime begins. We go outside if possible or play with cars or read books while Husein makes dinner. I CAN’T COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS PORTION OF MY DAY BECAUSE I KNOW I HAVE THE BEST HUSBAND SITUATION IN THE WORLD. This is the best hour of my day, by far. Then after dinner is potty, bath, brushing teeth, books. Hafiz is asleep by 8pm and as soon as he is asleep, I shower (or not) and am in bed by 8:30pm. I wish I could stay up later but the pregnancy nausea and exhaustion is too much. Asleep by 9pm is ideal so I get 8 hours of sleep. Well, almost. I wake up to pee at least once or twice (ALREADY!!! I’M ONLY 11 WEEKS! AND I’M BARELY DRINKING WATER IN THE EVENING!) so it’s not a full 8 since it takes me awhile to get back to sleep.
Weekends (like right now) are basically me lying on the couch as much as possible. Hopefully doing at least one activity with Hafiz and seeing friends or family at least once, too.
I am so grateful to be pregnant. In fact, in spite of nausea and exhaustion and peeing all the time, being pregnant is what gives me hope. I feel like growing our family is this… rebellion from my work life. I’m not able to better articulate myself right now. But sometimes when I’m feeling really disgruntled about my daily grind, I just think, hey, there’s an awesome baby in here and this whole world here at school will stop existing to me when I meet this child. There is no way that next year, with two children, I can keep up this schedule. I won’t. Not sure how our family will swing a change, but we will have to.
I want my busy-ness to be centered around my own children and family and not other people’s children. I want my busy-ness to be fun and not every day exactly the same.
Probably won’t write in this blog much this pregnancy even though I would truly love to. Maybe once the nausea and exhaustion are gone (in a few weeks I hope?!!) my attitude will shift. Right now, most things feel like a struggle.